I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
