dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
