If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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