My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
