I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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