No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
