How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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