She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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