Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
