two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
