You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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