I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just had sex bonerless
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
