The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
