Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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