I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
