If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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