No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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