If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You left your phone here
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