My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Two words: nipple clamps
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