This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i think i have herpe
just one?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
