I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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