the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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