theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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