it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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