You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
