Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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