I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
