overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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