I can text with my tongue
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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