I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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