Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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