your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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