Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
