i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
