there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
