I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
