Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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