my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
