The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
