That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
