R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just had sex bonerless
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
