please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You are a genius and a whore.
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