And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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