who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
