Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
