ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
