her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
