I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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