a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
