there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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