What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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