I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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