I can text with my tongue
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
