You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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